Cure For Insomnia

Just like a few posts before, i am compelled to write down my experience as a Malaysian who DOES NOT, i repeat, DOES NOT have Astro in my home.

While you enjoy all your [V], AXN and Animax (you lucky, lucky bunch!) i’m stuck in front of my TV watching a WWE show which is 5 weeks late.

Mind you, it isn’t as bad as having to watch Teman, a show on 8TV.

There are two girls, Mimi and Belinda. Mimi and Belinda are good friends (as implicated by the show’s title).

Mimi and Belinda wants to travel around in Malaysia. So Mimi and Belinda travel around Malaysia.

With cameras following them.

Normally, this would be a just another travel show. Except there will be scenes like this in the programme:

Venue: Washroom

Time: Early morning

Mimi is looking at the mirror while touching the side of her face. Belinda: Why, Mimi?

Mimi: I don’t know lah Belinda, but i think my skin shade not right lah.. How to go out like that?

Belinda: Oh, nevermind. Just make sure you apply the new Olay White Radial Intensive Whitening Cream, and you’ll be fine.

Venue: Outside

Time: Noon

Sun shining brightly. Mimi is wearing a hat. Belinda isn’t.

Mimi: Ah, Belinda, why you’re not wearing hat? You’ll get sunburn! Belinda: I don’t have to. Before we’re out, i’ve applied myself the new Olay Radial White Intensive Whitening Cream! It blocks and protects our skin from sunburns!

Venue: Kitchen

Time: Irrelevant.

Mimi and Belinda are eating.

Mimi: Eww.. The porridge is awful!

Belinda: Too bad! I’m enjoying my food!

Mimi: Really, Bel? What are you having?

Belinda: The new Olay White Radial Intensive Whitening Cream! It provides long lasting fairness, and long lasting freshness, too!

Mimi: WOW!!!

Okay, i admit, the last one probably didn’t happen, but considering the girls’ obsession towards this product, i wouldn’t be surprised if it did.

Something that DID surprise me was our badmintonist, Roslin Hashim’s threat to sue BAM for forgetting to submit his name into two international competitions.

The surprising part has nothing to do with the suing, though.

More like i’m surprised he’s actually still playing.

It’s very sad, cos this guy was once the No.1 player in the world.

But let’s think of positives: If even Roslin is still around, maybe Tsuen Tseng still is, too! <.<    >.>     <.<     >.>    @.@ …. NAH!

Since we’re in sports already, let’s continue with more sports. Sanjaya Malakar was voted out of the Ameri…

Sorry, i was reading from the wrong scrap of paper. Hm, where is it…. Hm hm hm… Much apologies, there aren’t any sports news this week, unless you count Malaysian football as a sport.

If so, shame on you.

Ah… Sanjaya. He was voted out after a few weeks on the show, on the process upstaging everyone else for all the wrong reasons.

However, he’s been in AI for so long it’s hard to imagine there wouldn’t be more of him after this.

Remember, William Hung was shown for less than 5 minutes and had an album and movie released immediately after.

So more Sanjaya after this! Scary thought, ah?

There’s one more thing about reality TV that irks me: about how clueless the Malaysian public can be.

No, this has nothing to do with them choosing Henley and Orange instead of Wee and Diana. Okay, maybe a little bit.

But, most humiliatingly, some of "us", and by "us" i mean people from Malaysia, actually VOTED for American Idol contestants during the competition. American Idol. An American show. Voted by American people.

So, while American politicians are sweating and worrying because the people over there has got smarter, the wakil rakyats in Malaysia can breathe a sigh of relief because the voters are still as gullible as ever.

This is the 1st Ever Baaahland Awards, held to hand out recognitions to people/objects/events that are completely overlooked!

Yes, there are many things in life that we take for granted. But not anymore, cos through this awards ceremony, we shall award all the most underrated/forgotten/redundant/useless stuff in this world!

Why am i doing this, i pretend to hear you ask? Hm, probably because i don’t have a job.

Bah. No more nitpickings now, the ceremony shall start…

Good morning/afternoon/night(choose appropriate), ladies and gentlemen! I know there’s nobody reading this, but whatever man.

Unless your eyes are too lazy to read the paragraph above, you’ll know that this Baaahland Awards are held to "hand out recognitions to people/objects/events that are completely overlooked!"

Man, gotta love Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V. Geheheh…

Pardon my self-monolouge, it happens a lot when I’m hungry.

Oh, that reminds me! It’s time to hand out the "Best Food From a Bakery"!

And third place goes to…. Apple Turnover from the Four Seasons Bakery!

Second goes to… Tuna Cauli Roll from Bee’s!

And the winner is…. Man, even I’m getting nervous here…. THE PORTUKING EGG TART from King’s! Congratulations!

Pardon my nervousness, happens a lot when i’m hungry.

Next up, the "Best Name in a Motion Picture"!

3rd place… "L" from Death Note!

2nd… "Gaylord Focker" in Meet The Fockers!

And 1st… "Jacob Goodknight" from See No Evil! Come collect your award, Jacob! Hm, maybe not.

My oh my, the awards are on a roll! Everyone’s looking with interest!Hey, wake up, you! Yes, you! How dare you fall asleep!?

Pardon me, that happens a lot when people read my blog.

Next up, "Best Words Ever Spoken". And 3rd place…

"To defeat the enemy, one must know oneself"

by Sun Tzu.

2nd… Oh, this is a long one…

"If you can fight, fight. If you can’t fight, defend. If you can’t defend, run. If you can’t run, surrender. If you can’t surrender, DIE!"

by Sima Yi.

Gotta love Ctrl+C… And the winner of this coveted award…

"Caucibai!"

by Shiek! GRRRRRRRRRRREAT!!!

Oh no, he cursed there. That’s not great, Shiek. Na-ah.

In fact, the value of your stocks in the Most Eligible And Terrific Bachelor, Absolutely Lovely Lovely (MEATBALL) share market just went down 20%. Sorry.

The upcoming award… "Greatest Moments of A Student’s Life"!

3rd:Exiting the kindergarten gates.

2nd:Exiting the primary school gates, and

1st:Exiting the secondary school gates.

HURRAH!!

"The most testimonials in Friendster"…

3rd place: Kwok! 2nd place: Vampie! 1st place: DaleDMC!

Congratulations! Now send me more testimonials, dammit!

Sorry, didn’t mean to yell like that. Happens when i eat too much.

Next… "Most Unfortunate Name For a Footballer"!

3rd: Lopez Ufarte, 2nd: Stefan Kuntz, and the undisputed winner: Argelico Fucks!

You deserve some claps! And a little bit of sympathy.

And so, the most redundant awards ceremony in history comes to a close.

We would like to assure you that the Baaahland Awards Ceremony will be back next year, with more things/people to award as the category gets weirder and weirder!

         "Dammit… You mean there’ll be more of these…?"

         "That Wan Cherng damn teruk one… Always write so long…."

         "..Riiiiiiiiiight…"

         "That’s it. That’s the last time i’m reading this effing blog.."

AAAAHCHOOOO!!! Hm, I’m hearing things again.

Must have been that fried tofu..

Being a full-time teacher is difficult. You put in long hours, your pupils refuse to behave, and you have fingers pointed towards you when their grades drop.

By the time you get home, you’re too tired to get anything done. You don’t earn enough, you’re bored… And there’s still the hospital pregnancy bills to pay!! Gah!!

Being a teacher is truly a thankless job: when the students succeed, it’s all their dedication and hardwork, and when they fail, it’s all (ALL) because of you.

You can’t teach, they say. You don’t attend classes, they say.

You’re too lenient. You’re too strict.

You’re too ugly, teacher, that’s why i didn’t want to see the blackboard. You’re too attractive, teacher, that’s why i couldn’t get my eyes on the blackboard.

As the venerable King of Baaahland, I can’t allow this! No, i can’t! I must act! First I’ll get my butt off my imaginary throne. Then, i’ll fiddle with my imaginary crown.

"Something… Something must be done to eliminate prejudice towards teachers," I thought.  So i made it my personal mission to do just that!

After all, who else from Baaahland is gonna do it, eh?

Today, I’ll conduct an interview with 3 teachers in the Baaahland Castle Guestroom (also imaginary).

In fact, they’ve all arrived. Readers, say HELL-O to Mr.R, Mr.K and Mrs.W!!

Mr.K: Hi everyone.
Mr.R: HELLO EBBELYBUDDY!!
Mrs.W: Selamat sejahtera, sila duduk..

Bloodbane: Thank you for coming. Please, have a seat. I hope you’ve already known the reason why i invited you all here.

Mr.K: Well there BETTER be some FOOOOOOOOOD around here!

B: Yes, we’ll get to the feast later. But first I would like us to discuss a truly important topic, which is basically what you do.

Mr.K: Eating?

B: No! We’re here to discuss about the statial degradation faced by teachers in the current society!

Mr.R: Wait! I teach Pengajian Am! This’ll be easy!
Mrs.W: Hey, I’m no slouch at current affairs, too!
Mr.R: I’m better than you!
Mrs.W: Oh yeah? Well, I have a diploma!
Mr.R: Hmmph! i have one, too!
Mrs.W: I was voted Teacher Of The Month in February!
Mr.R: And me, at March and July!
Mrs.W: I can count up to hundred!
Mr.R: ………..DAMN.

B: …..

Mr.K: Say, is this chair edible??

B: Ok, everyone, cool down and LISTEN. I want your opinions… How do you feel, being victimised by students and parents all the time?

Mr.R: It sucks, man.
Mrs.W: Yes, it sure does.
Mr.K: It makes me hungry.

B: …Anything else?

Mr.R: ….Nah…
Mrs.W: …Hm…..
Mr.K: …(Kuru kuru kuru)…

B: Okay, moving on to the next question. Why do you think your profession is generally destested and grossly unappreciated by members of the society?

Mr.R: I tell ya, they don’t know what us teachers go through. The parents always blame us for everything! You can’t teach, they say. You don’t attend classes, they say. You’re too lenient. You’re too stric..

B: Wait. Those sound familiar.

Mr.R: Of course. you wrote it, now I’m just reading them out loud. Like in my classes, I just open the textbook and read them out to students. I do this in 20 percent of my classes. The other 80 percent of the classes I do not attend.

B: What the…

Mr.R: What? You have a problem with that? Nanti I sumpah you mati.

B: ..How about you, Mrs.W? Any comments?

Mrs.W: You can say I’m a problem solver at school. For example, when there was an Upper 6 farewell party, I managed to persuade more students to come against their will, successfully leeching an extra RM 40 out of their pockets!

B: I…see..

Mrs.W: There’s another example. When Mr.K was teaching a Form 6 class, he felt that the Chinese boys at the back had problems with him. So, he dealt with it like a man. He asked me to talk to them.

Mr.K: Those damn Chinese boys!

B: Ah! Mr.K! Anything to say?

Mr.K: I hate school! there shouldn’t be girls studying in here! They should be at home and getting married, having children! What are they doing in my classes!

B: ..WHAT!?

Mr.K: And when am I getting a raise!? I wanna go Betting at Genting!

B: I give up. Now I realise why the profession is beyond help. There was a time long ago when teachers were regarded as a student’s second parents.

Mr.R: Of course! I mean, who wouldn’t want parents like us!!!?????

*Note: This interview is not a true reflection of all Malaysian teachers. I know there are some great teachers out there, and I hope you know this is fictional (though some parts are factual.)

P.S. A belated Happy Birthday to Hui Yi, who celebrates her 20th birthday today. Congrats.

I’m opening a new restaurant somewhere at a super secret location and i’m not telling anybody about it. Except the readers, that is. Even though details are kept under wraps and I am under sworn duty to not reveal anything about this super secret makan place, i’ll happilly defy the odds. Now, in a world exclusive, i shall leak out details of our super secret menu!!!

CHERNG SPECIAL

One of our most popular food, though we don’t really know why. People who ate it agreed that the initial taste was good, but slowly and slowly the taste deteriorates and becomes worse and worse. By the end of the meal, you’ll regret ever choosing this one. Comes with the Korean Milkshiek and the Gejamubun.

Serene, cool and calm, this drink allows you to chill out. The special milkshiek brewed by Koreans for Koreans, a good drink to have when you want peace of mind. Too bad you have to order the Cherng Special to sip it.

Gejamubun

It’s a bun. A sarcastic one at that. Not very delicious, and not very mainstream. Your choice if you want something different. Note: Must be ordered with Cherng Special. Not sold seperately. Repeat: NOT SOLD SEPERATELY.

Jeanwich

People love this one, it is the kind of food you can eat on it’s own or mixed with other meals. A bit small, so you probably have to order 2 to fill the tummy. Don’t worry: you’re not likely to get tired of it.

Chest(er) Steak

Chest steak? Chest of what? Chicken? Beef? Lamb? Nah, despite the name, it is actually a salmon sushi with wasabi all over. A bit hard to handle, a bit unpredictable.

Sparklingling Wine

This wine is mysterious in a way where no one actually knows how old it is. It wants to be younger than it actually is. Anyhow, this drink is a bit hard to swallow, and is known to be VERY bitter. But few can argue that this drink stimulates the mind. Brahmin to the core, it contains no alcohol. Somehow, it still makes you go drunk. Warning: Do not order with Cherng Special or dining table might conbust.

Vampie-ala-mode

Try to eat this fast, it might yell at you if you don’t. Quite tasty (i have to say that or she might kill me) and goes well with the Tuna Caroll.

Tuna Caroll

The roll is kinda tough, it is very strong indeed. Again, eat this fast or you’ll get yelled at. Pairing it with a helping of Vampie-ala-mode will provide you wth a tasty, noisy meal.

Kwok Kum’s ChickenWeng

This food arrives very fast, sometimes it is served before it is ordered. Always competes with the Cherng Special to see which one arrives at the dining table first.

Served with an orange coloured sauce called the Lava Golem.

PudDing

Just a pudding I guess. Don’t have much to talk about this one; my mum said that if there is nothing good to say…..

Swan-illa / Bawani-la Ice Blended Tea

Two different drinks, though they’re equally sweet and fun. Bawani-la is probably the better choice if you want something small to drink, because Swan-illla comes with the Husband and Wife set: Malar’s Pasta, Lina and Lini’s Cheesecake, etc.

Crepetic Rapscallion

You won’t get tired of this food, because it WILL get tired of you first. Enjoy!

… MARTIN SCORCESE!!! No, i’m not kidding! He’s won it! WON IT!

When i watched the Oscars, it was the video in honour of stars who passed away recently. (Why must Peter Boyle leave us?)

And next up was the lead actress in a movie. This category is also known as the award that Kate Winslet will always ALMOST win. It’s not funny anymore seeing her lose every 2 years.

Seeing her lose out really got me braced for the worst: I’ve never liked award shows; the judges don’t seem to know what’s going on. Wether it’s Oscars, Baftas, or the Chinese awards, they’ve always given the prize to people who are, shall we say, substandard.

Maggie Gyllenhaal was NEVER nominated. Kate Winslet, Annette Benning never won too. Yet Hillary Swank has got 2 now. Why?

Brad Pitt was nominated in numerous awards for the lead role in BABEL (not in the Oscars, luckily) despite only appearing for a grand total of FIFTEEN MINUTES.

As for the Chinese awards, I’ve stopped caring once Cecilia Cheung won the big one. Hope her father doesn’t read this, though. I might end up sleeping with fishes.

Anyway, when the Best Director was named, it felt good, ya know? Martin Scorcese-finally-an oscar Best Director. It’s been a long time coming. I’ll forgive the Oscar committee for snubbing Winslet this year.

Add to that, Arsenal lost in a Cup final.

Spurs TRASH Bloody Fu**ing Bolton (i don’t care; to me, that’s their full name) four goals to one.

Nice day.

As one of the six people in this planet who DID NOT suscribe to AssThrow, i feel compelled to tell what everyone has been missing.

There’s a show in 8TV currently called What Women Want, where multiple good-looking macho dudes dress in as little clothing as possible while showing of their hot bods and legs and stuff.

When i watched there were only 6 guys left, and the frontrunners include:

Charles, a pretty boy mat salleh who speaks with a Latin accent.

Christian, a pretty boy mat salleh who speaks with a British accent.

Talha, a pretty bo…. Get it now?

And the host of this show is none other than Hannah T, who (presumably) has a phD in Sitting Around Doing Nothing But Looking Pretty.

I was kinda bored by the end of this show, but at least I know now what women want: Pretty foreign guy with an accent.

Recommended viewing for girls and guys alike.

Elsewhere, Hafiz Hashim and Roslin Hashim (yes, he’s still alive) defeated some famous guys in the Korean Open respectively. Since then, Roslin had been beaten by World Number 1 Jay Chou, but Hafiz continues to soar in the tournament. Surely, things are looking up for the Malaysian badminton contingent?

Bah. Don’t bet your ass on it. Shortly after being whitewashed by China’s Wu Ke Qun in the Q-finals of the Malaysian Open, the national number 1 Lee Chong Wei said, "Being defeated here is good and it will take the pressure of me," before continuing, "This will allow me to concentrate on all the other international tournaments."

Which means he needs to lose in order to concentrate. And that he views losing as good luck. No wonder lah he looks cheerful all the tim…. Wait, no, he doesn’t.

Chong Wei has a very intense, determined look on his face as if he was screaming out, "I am alone in this quest for victory and those who stand in my way shall be obliterated!". Or, more possibly "Can somebody tell me WHERE’S THE NEAREST TOILET!!!!!????" If i can give him an advice, it would be to "Hey, lighten up once in a while" and "Smile, jabroni, smile!"

Speaking about sports where two persons/pairs line up on opposite sides of a court separated by a net, we go to tennis.

Serena Williams has won the Australian Open to add to his collection of Grand Slam titles. He defeated Maria Sharapova in straight sets 6-1, 6-2. Congratulations, Serena! You’re the man!

And now we find ourselves back at entertainment news. Rain has come to Malaysia and will perform tonight at a surely sold out arena, even though the price of the most expensive ticket has been raised to RM 1000, which is what two PS2 costs nowadays. (It also comes with free 15 games and 2 controllers!)

Last I heard, many students have found themselves deep in debt in order to see Mr. Jeung strut his stuff on stage. Don’t go into debt, friends! You can also watch Il Divo’s concert for half the expenses. And unlike Rain’s concert, there are seats provided which will be very comfortable in case you are bored to sleep (which WILL happen.)

But the best concert to attend this weekend will be Boyz To Men’s (Yes, they are still alive, too) which will be held at Genting. Listen to their most popular hit songs, such as….er…..em…..

…..

Bah. Just stay at home. It’s better that way.

School has been officially over for me (and perhaps, a few of you) and it has been so for 5 weeks. To those of you who are still subjected to the 5-days-of-buffoonery per week (thank heavens for Saturday and Sunday!), tough luck.

But it’s NOT ALL doom and gloom! No it isn’t!

Your life could’ve been so much worse! Really!

You could’ve been born an insect instead of a homo sapien!

More specifically, an insect in Malaysia!

You might wonder, "Be insect at Malaysia good what. So many place to lay eggs… "

True, my friend, true, but you forgot the worst case scenario of being captured.

By a Form 6 student. From the Biology class.

I’ve never been a fan of these crappy "projects". The argument that this project will enable us to more appreciate bugs only holds so much water.

How does pinning dead insects on a board cultivate love within us!?

How does suffocating them in Tesco plastic bags help make us become better beings?

If this logic was applied everywhere else, then we can safely say that assasins or serial killers are the most "appreciative" people on Earth.

And let me assure you: They AREN’T.

And another thing, everyone knows that all these specimens were bought, not caught.

And by everyone i mean even the teachers!

And if even those buffoons know it, who wouldn’t?

Bah, this angers me, but i’m at least more thankful now that i’m human.

I could’ve been a student from the Kota Kemuning school.

Why, you ask?

Well, right now, they sedang merentas desa.

And it’s raining.  XD

Life without school… I can get used to this!

This is an announcement for those who went to Lingling’s tuition at Kasturi last year. And the year before that one. Uh-huh.

Now, YOU, dear reader, YOU would’ve known that Lingling has decided to repay us for our patience in his classes via a dinner at a prestigious (maybe) Thai restaurant.

I say "would’ve", because if YOU DID NOT know, that means YOU have not read my previous post in Cure For Imsomnia! I mean, HOW COULD YOU!!??? UNFORGIVABLE!!

Of course, to be fair to all of you, the information was relayed at the very bottom of that post and most of you people have fallen into a deep slumber by the time you got to the word "brouhaha". Well, at least this blog REALLY does cure imsomnia.

So, I shall accept your apologies with one conditio…

(Someone shouts: "You suck, Wan Cherng!!!")

…..

Okay, we proceed.

Supposedly, the dinner will be held on the 13th of January. Of 2007.(just to be sure, you know how Lingling always exploits loopholes.) At a Thai restaurant somewhere in hel… I mean USJ.

No, even i don’t know where it is. This problem is however, easily averted if you have a very powerful sense of smell.

Just go where the Tom Yam scent leads you.

Having said that, though, this PARTAY might have been cancelled without notice. If so, don’t blame me. The last message i received abt this Thai thingy was on the 24th of December (Merry Christmas!)

If you DID go, however, only to find yourself alone eating your sixth deep-fried cockroach, please, do tell me. My life is boring lately.

I need someone to laugh at.

I mean to laugh with.

Right.

Remember, don’t blame me if something awry happens. Heck, don’t blame me for anything!

After all, I’m just a messanger (HOW THE HELL DO YOU SPELL THIS WORD!!???)

Ciao.

After all the brouhaha about "Malaysia Boleh", "Malaysia Can", "Malaysia is a friendly country" and "Malaysia has the tallest building in the world", we’ve still only managed to bag 9 golds from China Games. I mean Asian Games. Yeah,whatever it’s called. Those Dog Eaters wins everything anyway. And then second there are Dog Eaters II, with 3rd place occupied by Sushi & Whale Hunters Ltd.

Altogether, those 3 nations won, like, 5 out of every 6 gold medals contested.

So despite outnumbering Singapore by 25 million people, we outgoldmedalled them by one.

Makes you proud to be Malaysian, doesn’t it?

And yet the local news presenters went, "Kita di atas Singapura berdasarkan pungutan pingat… Majulah sukan untuk negara.."

Which brings us to the bowling squad, to be known now as "Esther Cheah and the Others" as they contribute a grand total of, er, 2 golds. Now, that’s funny, because I’ve watched the telly a lot and i could have sworn that I saw esther win at least 5,479 golds! Of course, the way she’s won it is the same everytime, the interviews she gave after the wins are also the same, and the way her father butted in about how he is "very proud of my daughter" is also the same everytime. Seriously, how many times can you possibly show the same person winning the same gold in the same event over and over again?

But in true Malaysian style, that was exactly how we celebrated all our gold medal wins. i’ve seen Koo Kin Keat-Tan Boon Heong defeat Indonesian Guy A-Indonesian Guy B about 20 times, Rufina collecting her medal 10 times, Zandra Azzzz… Oops I mean Aziela thumping her fists with her teammates dozens of times, Nicole David, Beng Hee, oh… My brain keeps saying, "I’ve seen this. And this. And that one. And this one."

Thus I wonder, how does China, South Korea and Japan celebrate their golds? Do they even? I’m sure they’ll have more medals in a day than Malaysia has in a century. Heck, those people from JaPants are complaining because they finished behind South Korea! What the hell do they want anymore? They have the longest life expectancy in the world, they eat fresh salmon and tuna everyday, they have guys who look like girls and girls who look like anime characters…

Some people are just never satisfied, eh..?

Off topic, to those from Ling Ling’s class, especially the USJ bunch and some of the KL-ites, Ling Ling’s Thai dinner would probably happen at the 13th of January. At a Thai restaurant somewhere. I dunno. I’m just a messanger (How the hell do you spell messanger?) and Ms. Vampie has the details.

Until then…

We’ll meet… Again.

I know it sounds crappy,

but I’ll be hard-pressed to squeeze in time and effort to continue updating this blog…

The harsh reality of STPM is kicking in…

And thus, I must sacrifice the time I currently possess to concentrate on studying, reading etc.

Don’t worry, I’m not gonna die (touches wood) nor will i be sent to outer space on an obscure mission (touches wood again)…

I’m just gonna stop updating my blog til STPM’s over….

Til then, adios.

Your King/Emperor,

BLOODBANE… The man, from Baaahland….