Cure For Insomnia

Videogames are a booming industry: Games like Metal Gear Solid, Final Fantasy 7, Starcraft, Pro Evo Soccer 2 and The Sims can be considered legendary games and are WAAAAAY more memorable than movies like Shawshank’s Redemption and that bloody Titanic.

Near, far, wherever you are, you can’t escape videogames. The good (Panzer Dragoon Orta), the bad (Melty Blood) or the ugly (Mortal Kombat Advance) will always appear in your lives, in one way or another.

But there are many games that are neither good, bad or ugly. It’s on a class of it’s own… The most sickening games ever.

Not sickening as the "Cannon-protruding-out-of-multilated-face" in The Thing or the hanged skinless body in Silent Hill, i’m talking about more naughty stuff… a bit more perverted.

Yes, PERVERTED.

Warning: If you are below 18 years of age, then you should stop reading here.
Or here.

Or maybe you couldn’t be bothered with my warning and went ahead to read anyway. Hey, these ‘warnings’ never stopped you from browsing adult websites…

With no further ado..

Cho Aniki
Playstation
This is a side scrolling third person shooter ala Gladius, but instead of controlling Heaven’s Gunpowder, you control…. Hm, what is this….

A guy wearing a tight suit who shoots lasers out of his hat. Which isn’t naughty. Yet.

You see, your character floats through the air and is helped by two nude men, as you shoot lasers towards other nude men who are presumably trying to hurt you.

Some are rocket-powered, metallic, but nevertheless they’re always nude.

In fact, one of the bosses in this game wears only a metallic loin thingy, and once you, er, shoot him a lot of times, his metallic loin thingy will open and another nude man will come out  (insert lame "little brother" jokes here) to put some hurt on ya!

Summarily, your enemies in this game are nude men, bigger nude men and gigantic nude men who wield small nude men like baseball bats.

Naughty enough?

Beat’em & Eat’em
Atari 2600

This is actually a pretty basic game: you control two nude women as they run back and forth across the screen trying to collect… Oh i can’t even type this.

At the top of the screen there is a man.

The man also moves across the screen and in random intervals, he will release a whitish looking liquid to the ground and the women are supposed to "catch" them.

Unless you’ve a single digit IQ, you’d know what the white liquid is (let’s call it ink from now on).

In later levels, the ink falls at such phenomenal rate, it is basically raining all over as the man squirts every last juic… er, ink out of it’s…. body?

Yes, i think that’s the appropriate word. Luckily, the graphics of Atari 2600 is absolutely crap, so you can’t really see everything; and therefore it’s all down to your own imagination.

…. Which actually freaks me even more.

Alas, the above two games can only bow in the presence of our undisputed winner/loser…

Boong-Ga Boong-Ga a.k.a Smack ‘em!
Arcade

With a name like that, you aren’t expecting a game of the year candidate, are you?

This is an arcade game which is, thankfully, only available in Japan.

First, you select a character. It could be ‘ex-boyfriend’, ‘ex-girlfriend’, ‘child molester’(!), ‘mother-in-law’…

After selecting one of them, the person’s face will be shown on the screen.

After all that is done, it’s time for the real action!

The objective of Boong-Ga Boong-Ga is….
….
….
to stick a plastic finger up a plastic arsehole as hard as you can!

Yes, you’re supposed to anally invade a plastic butt; and as you perform your deed, one will be able to see the facial expression of your victim, presumably your ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend/child molester/mother-in-law/gangster…

After the sticking action (remember to take that finger off!), a card will pop out of the machine (i hope it isn’t from the butt) and on it will be written your sexual behaviour.

Obviously, you shouldn’t expect compliments. After all, what would YOU say to a person who had just sexually assaulted a toy ass?

….

….Therein my work for today is completed. Dang, just typing this post makes me want to clean my soul using Dettol.

Luckily, both Cho Aniki and Beat’em are already out of production so nobody would have to suffer the wackiness of both games.

Unfortunately, Boong-Ga Boong-Ga is apparently still available, albeit only in Japan.

So, you know, if YOU actually HAVE the urge to play this game, and you think this game is your idea of being aroused… i advise you to get a plane ticket ASAP and go there.

And please don’t come back.

P.S. So, any naughty games i’ve left behind? Don’t hestitate to leave a comment and tell King Bloodbane the naughtiest games you’ve ever played.

This entry was posted on Monday, May 21st, 2007 at 11:47 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.