Cure For Insomnia

Have you ever felt-at any given time-that the things you’re saying or doing seem eeriely similar to another event in the past?

In that moment, you will be overcome by a sense of familiarity, and most likely you’ll say "I’ve done this before in my dreams!"

If this has happened to you, then you can proudly say you’ve been deja vued.

And, in case you’re wondering (or even if you aren’t, i’m telling anyway) I too have experienced/suffered the occasional bouts of deja vu.

It is eerie, it is freaky, yet so endearingly familiar. The sensation caused by DV is unexplainable.

So i sent smses to most names in my handphone, asking them if they’ve ever had deja vu before.

Yes, i’m aware you may ask why i did it. There are few reasons.

Firstly, i AM the Emperor, thus i want my people to know that i care for them.

Secondly (and most importantly), Maxis gave me free bonus smses and they were about to expire (or some stupid nonsense, you know Maxis).

Back to the Unofficial Survey of Baaahland, the results will surely blow you away!

Out of the 15 people i surveyed, as many as 12 responded with a resounding "Yes!"

Using my trusty calculator (I forgot basic calculations ever since STPM was over and done with), that’s 4 out of 5 people!

And amongst this 12 people, 6 of them mentioned that they experience deja vu "many times", and that’s… TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP… 1 out of 2! Yikes!

So deja vu is actually a lot more common than i previously thought.

Out of curiosity and the lack of anything worthwhile to do, i went to consult 3 professionals to find out more about DV.

Warning: From this point onwards, this post becomes tedious to read. OK, i know the part before this is also tedious, but this one is worse! Try to stay awake! If you can…

Dr. Yahoo said that deja vu has been around since days of old, as proven by the fact that Charles Dickens made a reference to it.

In those days, there were no words for this feeling/experience, and only in the late 19th century did the term ‘deja vu’ was used.

It is French for "already seen" and was coined by a French professor, presumably out of curiosity and the lack of anything worthwhile to do.

According to Mr. Google, deja vu is a very common phenomenon. If that Denzel movie is to be believed, as much as 4.5 Billion living people have experienced it.

4,500,000,000 people!

To put matters into perspective: if each deja vu ‘victim’ gave you 10 US Dollars; you’ll be the second richest person in the world (curse that Microsoft dude!!)

Madam Wikipedia also contributed a lot of information, but due to my ever-deteriorating scientific nous (STPM. Over. And done with..), i was left unable to understand an inkling of her explanations.

A bit like an average day at school, then. As she waxes lyrical and bombards weird science jargons into my cerebrum, i managed to capture some words that made sense to moi.

Mdm. Wiki explained that our brain does a bit of filtering when we sleep. The dreams that are considered too ‘routine’ ("Nyah, boring! Not worth remembering") will be sent to the long-term sections of the brain, completely bypassing the short section.

However, the dreams which are ‘unusual’ and ‘weird’ will be placed in the short term section ("Booya! This is good! We don’t see this everyday! Remember this one!").

This makes sense, since most of our deja vu moments usually involves very ordinary events in our lives.

On the other hand, most dreams that we can recall vividly are the nightmares.

So, the next time you woke up in the middle of the night because you were chased by ghosts, getting butchered by Leatherface, run over by gigantic eyeballs (Oh, the horror!) or having your ears chewed by Mike Tyson; blame your brain. It chose to remember..

And just before i left the discussion, Madam Wikipedia added this nugget as a parting shot: "A clinical correlation has been found between the experience of déjà vu and disorders such as schizophrenia and anxiety, and the likelihood of the experience considerably increases with subjects having these conditions."

Translated into English, that means the more deja vu you’ve experienced, the more cuckoo you are. Yikes!

And i used to be so proud that i have ‘premonitions of the future’….

T.T

Videogames are a booming industry: Games like Metal Gear Solid, Final Fantasy 7, Starcraft, Pro Evo Soccer 2 and The Sims can be considered legendary games and are WAAAAAY more memorable than movies like Shawshank’s Redemption and that bloody Titanic.

Near, far, wherever you are, you can’t escape videogames. The good (Panzer Dragoon Orta), the bad (Melty Blood) or the ugly (Mortal Kombat Advance) will always appear in your lives, in one way or another.

But there are many games that are neither good, bad or ugly. It’s on a class of it’s own… The most sickening games ever.

Not sickening as the "Cannon-protruding-out-of-multilated-face" in The Thing or the hanged skinless body in Silent Hill, i’m talking about more naughty stuff… a bit more perverted.

Yes, PERVERTED.

Warning: If you are below 18 years of age, then you should stop reading here.
Or here.

Or maybe you couldn’t be bothered with my warning and went ahead to read anyway. Hey, these ‘warnings’ never stopped you from browsing adult websites…

With no further ado..

Cho Aniki
Playstation
This is a side scrolling third person shooter ala Gladius, but instead of controlling Heaven’s Gunpowder, you control…. Hm, what is this….

A guy wearing a tight suit who shoots lasers out of his hat. Which isn’t naughty. Yet.

You see, your character floats through the air and is helped by two nude men, as you shoot lasers towards other nude men who are presumably trying to hurt you.

Some are rocket-powered, metallic, but nevertheless they’re always nude.

In fact, one of the bosses in this game wears only a metallic loin thingy, and once you, er, shoot him a lot of times, his metallic loin thingy will open and another nude man will come out  (insert lame "little brother" jokes here) to put some hurt on ya!

Summarily, your enemies in this game are nude men, bigger nude men and gigantic nude men who wield small nude men like baseball bats.

Naughty enough?

Beat’em & Eat’em
Atari 2600

This is actually a pretty basic game: you control two nude women as they run back and forth across the screen trying to collect… Oh i can’t even type this.

At the top of the screen there is a man.

The man also moves across the screen and in random intervals, he will release a whitish looking liquid to the ground and the women are supposed to "catch" them.

Unless you’ve a single digit IQ, you’d know what the white liquid is (let’s call it ink from now on).

In later levels, the ink falls at such phenomenal rate, it is basically raining all over as the man squirts every last juic… er, ink out of it’s…. body?

Yes, i think that’s the appropriate word. Luckily, the graphics of Atari 2600 is absolutely crap, so you can’t really see everything; and therefore it’s all down to your own imagination.

…. Which actually freaks me even more.

Alas, the above two games can only bow in the presence of our undisputed winner/loser…

Boong-Ga Boong-Ga a.k.a Smack ‘em!
Arcade

With a name like that, you aren’t expecting a game of the year candidate, are you?

This is an arcade game which is, thankfully, only available in Japan.

First, you select a character. It could be ‘ex-boyfriend’, ‘ex-girlfriend’, ‘child molester’(!), ‘mother-in-law’…

After selecting one of them, the person’s face will be shown on the screen.

After all that is done, it’s time for the real action!

The objective of Boong-Ga Boong-Ga is….
….
….
to stick a plastic finger up a plastic arsehole as hard as you can!

Yes, you’re supposed to anally invade a plastic butt; and as you perform your deed, one will be able to see the facial expression of your victim, presumably your ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend/child molester/mother-in-law/gangster…

After the sticking action (remember to take that finger off!), a card will pop out of the machine (i hope it isn’t from the butt) and on it will be written your sexual behaviour.

Obviously, you shouldn’t expect compliments. After all, what would YOU say to a person who had just sexually assaulted a toy ass?

….

….Therein my work for today is completed. Dang, just typing this post makes me want to clean my soul using Dettol.

Luckily, both Cho Aniki and Beat’em are already out of production so nobody would have to suffer the wackiness of both games.

Unfortunately, Boong-Ga Boong-Ga is apparently still available, albeit only in Japan.

So, you know, if YOU actually HAVE the urge to play this game, and you think this game is your idea of being aroused… i advise you to get a plane ticket ASAP and go there.

And please don’t come back.

P.S. So, any naughty games i’ve left behind? Don’t hestitate to leave a comment and tell King Bloodbane the naughtiest games you’ve ever played.

I came into this sudden realisation that we are all a very lucky bunch of people. We have food to eat, a place to call home and all other basic neccesities like education. For that, we all owe a debt of gratitude to our parents.

Now, spare a thought for the less lucky people. Whom are all born after 2000. If you are born anytime between 2001-2007, stop reading this and start thinking of a way to escape this country.

Why the rush? You see…

As if our current education system isn’t bad enough already, the Zany Ideas Departmen… Excuse me, i mean the Malaysian Examinations Syndicate (MES) are thinking of ways to, ahem, mess it up even more.

They are doing their job well: their recent proposal involves the abolishment of PMR and SPM, replacing both exams with something called "standardised assessment".

This "standardised assessment" will consist of five: 1) School assessment, 2) Central assessment, 3) Psychometric tests (what the hell is this?), 4) Forgot and 5) Can’t bother to remember.

All these sound a bit overwhelming, don’t they?

Especially the first one… How does school evaluate us?

Maybe the canteen fella will observe students and ‘potong markah’ everytime a student ‘potong barisan’? Or the cleaner minus our marks if we didn’t flush, wash hands, etc.

No, Readers, no! The truth is a lot worse: students will be assessed by teachers! Yes, teachers will be given the power to evaluate you.

To give you marks… or goose eggs.

This would’ve been acceptable if not for the fact that most teachers come across as power-hungry people. "You want marks? Lick my boots."

The MES also neglected a common problem: Most teachers are always not around, most likely because they " sedang menghadiri mesyuarat", "MC" and the ultimate favourite…"Busy attending KURRSUSS."

Let’s face it: How can you be assessed by people who are not there?

In a perfect world, this proposal would be torn apart, shredded to pieces, burned and any remaining ashes burned again (just to be sure.)

But this is Malaysia, so it’s just a matter of time before it is approved. Dang.

At least, if the proposal is REALLY given the green light, it will only be inforced in 2012 (UPSR) and 2015 (PMR) respectively.

By then, you’ll already be aboard a plane to somewhere far, far away.

…

All of you should have got used to lame jokes already, having viewed my blog so many times.

Still, you must be shocked to hear what two of our MPs said during a parliamentary debate, as they thought that it’ll be funny to point out that women "leaks once a month."

Unfortunately, the only ones who laughed at that ‘joke’ were other Barisan Nasional members.

My, doesn’t the ruling party have a weird sense of humour? Mocking the female reproductive system, the very reason they exist, the same ones women al around the world go/went through.

In a perfect world, MPs who make this statement would most likely be facing unemployment or banishment to Antartika.

But this is Malaysia….

Bloodbane had a moment of madness a few weeks ago which prompted him to use the middle finger to express his anger.

Then it occured to Bloodbane that the last time he used the middle finger was many many years before.

He didn’t really know why he’d stopped doing it. Partly, it might be because the gesture have run out of fashion.. Remember years ago when young kids would fan the butts of their classmates while yelling "satay"..? Or when they hit their friend’s genitals and then say "touch and go"?

No, that wasn’t the answer, Bloodbane thought… Then, Bloodbane remembered a certain incident when he was Form 1 or something.

Gah, he was twelve, studying in a public school.

Students really loved the mid finger salute. Bloodbane was probably the one who’s most into this trend, flipping his middles so often he wished he was born without the other four fingers, thinking it’ll make things easier.

He devised a way to write using just the mids, carried things with his mids, etc. IT’S THE ONLY JARI THAT MATTERED, he thought.

The only other thing Bloodbane likes more than his mids was a girl from his class. Actually, no, he still liked his mids more, but only just.

In contrary to popular belief, Bloodbane got along well with this girl. So, Bloodbane has his mids and he’s on good terms with the girl he liked.

At that time, he thought, "Life is f*ckin’ good."

Correction: Life WAS f*ckin’ good, notice the past tense; because all good things in Bloodbane’s life are like government buildings: they’ll all come crashing down.

In those days, Bloodbane’s transport of choice when he goes home from school were his two legs (If he could walk with his mids, he would; but gravity’s a b*tch).

He was in foul mood that day, all he wanted was to go home and quick.

But as sod’s law has it, just as he’s prepared to cross a busy road, he heard his name being called from somewhere.

So Bloodbane did the only thing he knows best: the mid finger as he looks at the bus full of students passing by.

Yes, you all know who’s in it. Who else.

There Bloodbane was, standing by the side of the road with his middle finger erect at it’s full glory as the girl of his dreams zooms by, her face transforming from a look of joy into confusion into anger.

Bloodbane was shocked as heck, standing still as the bus disappeares into the horizon.

His mid was still pointing skywards as Bloodbane ponders what the hell he’s just done. Reaching new highs in stupidity, that’s what.

The thing was, Bloodbane did the midfing even BEFORE he knew who called him. It was instinctive, and only when he looked up did he realise…

The next day at school, he apologised to the girl "I’m sorry for what i’ve done yesterday"… But knowing Bloodbane at that time, it was probably more like "I’m f*ckin’ sorry for what i’ve f*ckin’ done that f*ckin’ day".. It doesn’t actually matter.

Since then she avoids Bloodbane like a plague. Can’t really blame her, though.

This incident was the killer: in the end, the one thing Bloodbane liked alienated the one person he liked.

Therefore, he’s learned his lesson: for many years he’s stopped using the gesture, a reminder to himself for doing the unthinkable.

And the moral of this story is… Er… Ah… Hm…. Wait! This is Bloodbane’s blog! There’s no moral in here…

I’ve just noticed how general the verb "kiss" is. Everyone knows what it means but in essence it’s never specific enough.

For example, a very light kiss on the cheeks is called a peck and a more, ahem, aggresive kiss would be called a smooch.

For the ones where a couple exchange dental records, the term "lip-locking" or "makin’ out" can be used.

And these words caught me in a dilemma, because none can accurately describe what Richard Gere was doing.

If you can find a word which means "bending the receiving partner over like she’s an invertebrate and kissing her cheeks until you have her DNA all over your mouth", do leave a comment at the bottom of this post.

Til then, i’ll refer to this kiss as "the Richard Gere".
During this AIDS awareness campaign which is hosted by Bollywood’s Shilpa Shetty, ol’ filthy Rich proceeds to let his common sense go AWOL as he leaves his mark on (the clearly surprised) hostess.

In front of hundreds in the audience. And a video camera. Which was on.
So where does the video end up? Like, DUH, where else?

Youtube, Metacafe, Ifilm…

But being a fan of Rich, (more like a sympathiser, actually) i’ll try to justify his actions.

Hey, maybe he’s auditioning for his next film role: a Dracula?
Or maybe it was all planned beforehand like the Janet Jackson fiasco. Then Rich can say: "It was a hormone malfunction."

Damn right it was, man. Damn right.

Now we’re back in Malaysia. You have to love me, i always save the best for last.
You see, many people made complains to the Malaysian Board of Censorship because they were angry that kissing scenes in films were cut. (My, aren’t Malaysians a horny bunch?)

And the response…
     "Kissing scenes are cut because kissing is not part of Malaysian culture."

Not part of our culture?

So, you mean films are an accurate reflection of a nation’s cultural identity?

Baaah. As i have a lot of time to muck about nowadays, i decide to find our country’s BUDAYA.

After a painstaking research, my report is complete!
Here’s my findings. In most Malaysian movies, :

1) We always get an eyeful (or at least a glimpse) of the Two Towers. No, dammit, not the LOTR one! I mean the Petronas Twin Tower and KL Tower. Go ahead, tell me a movie which didn’t have a view of those two. …. And no, P. Ramlee movies don’t count!

2) A whole lot of Protons on the road.
Proton: A car with the durability and toughness of an average Jacob’s biscuit tin.

3) Boring, one dimensional characters.

4) Lame acting.

5) Laughable storylines.

6) People eating nasi lemak (directly translated to English as "Fat Rice"), roti canai (translated as "Beaten-up Bread") with teh tarik ("Pull Tea"), etc etc.

Therefore, according to Mr. Board of Censorship (sorry, didn’t catch his name), an average cultured Malaysian would be boring, one dimensional, wooden, leads laughable lives, drives a Proton and eats high carb food, while somehow looking at the Two Towers.

Gah! I’m none of these! (except maybe the boring, Proton and high carb part)

Gasp!

CULTURE SHOCK!

So congrats, Mr. Board of Censorship, you’ve just screwed Visit Malaysia 2007. Nah, don’t take this so badly… We still have Visit Malaysia 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011…