Cure For Insomnia

Just like a few posts before, i am compelled to write down my experience as a Malaysian who DOES NOT, i repeat, DOES NOT have Astro in my home.

While you enjoy all your [V], AXN and Animax (you lucky, lucky bunch!) i’m stuck in front of my TV watching a WWE show which is 5 weeks late.

Mind you, it isn’t as bad as having to watch Teman, a show on 8TV.

There are two girls, Mimi and Belinda. Mimi and Belinda are good friends (as implicated by the show’s title).

Mimi and Belinda wants to travel around in Malaysia. So Mimi and Belinda travel around Malaysia.

With cameras following them.

Normally, this would be a just another travel show. Except there will be scenes like this in the programme:

Venue: Washroom

Time: Early morning

Mimi is looking at the mirror while touching the side of her face. Belinda: Why, Mimi?

Mimi: I don’t know lah Belinda, but i think my skin shade not right lah.. How to go out like that?

Belinda: Oh, nevermind. Just make sure you apply the new Olay White Radial Intensive Whitening Cream, and you’ll be fine.

Venue: Outside

Time: Noon

Sun shining brightly. Mimi is wearing a hat. Belinda isn’t.

Mimi: Ah, Belinda, why you’re not wearing hat? You’ll get sunburn! Belinda: I don’t have to. Before we’re out, i’ve applied myself the new Olay Radial White Intensive Whitening Cream! It blocks and protects our skin from sunburns!

Venue: Kitchen

Time: Irrelevant.

Mimi and Belinda are eating.

Mimi: Eww.. The porridge is awful!

Belinda: Too bad! I’m enjoying my food!

Mimi: Really, Bel? What are you having?

Belinda: The new Olay White Radial Intensive Whitening Cream! It provides long lasting fairness, and long lasting freshness, too!

Mimi: WOW!!!

Okay, i admit, the last one probably didn’t happen, but considering the girls’ obsession towards this product, i wouldn’t be surprised if it did.

Something that DID surprise me was our badmintonist, Roslin Hashim’s threat to sue BAM for forgetting to submit his name into two international competitions.

The surprising part has nothing to do with the suing, though.

More like i’m surprised he’s actually still playing.

It’s very sad, cos this guy was once the No.1 player in the world.

But let’s think of positives: If even Roslin is still around, maybe Tsuen Tseng still is, too! <.<    >.>     <.<     >.>    @.@ …. NAH!

Since we’re in sports already, let’s continue with more sports. Sanjaya Malakar was voted out of the Ameri…

Sorry, i was reading from the wrong scrap of paper. Hm, where is it…. Hm hm hm… Much apologies, there aren’t any sports news this week, unless you count Malaysian football as a sport.

If so, shame on you.

Ah… Sanjaya. He was voted out after a few weeks on the show, on the process upstaging everyone else for all the wrong reasons.

However, he’s been in AI for so long it’s hard to imagine there wouldn’t be more of him after this.

Remember, William Hung was shown for less than 5 minutes and had an album and movie released immediately after.

So more Sanjaya after this! Scary thought, ah?

There’s one more thing about reality TV that irks me: about how clueless the Malaysian public can be.

No, this has nothing to do with them choosing Henley and Orange instead of Wee and Diana. Okay, maybe a little bit.

But, most humiliatingly, some of "us", and by "us" i mean people from Malaysia, actually VOTED for American Idol contestants during the competition. American Idol. An American show. Voted by American people.

So, while American politicians are sweating and worrying because the people over there has got smarter, the wakil rakyats in Malaysia can breathe a sigh of relief because the voters are still as gullible as ever.

This is the 1st Ever Baaahland Awards, held to hand out recognitions to people/objects/events that are completely overlooked!

Yes, there are many things in life that we take for granted. But not anymore, cos through this awards ceremony, we shall award all the most underrated/forgotten/redundant/useless stuff in this world!

Why am i doing this, i pretend to hear you ask? Hm, probably because i don’t have a job.

Bah. No more nitpickings now, the ceremony shall start…

Good morning/afternoon/night(choose appropriate), ladies and gentlemen! I know there’s nobody reading this, but whatever man.

Unless your eyes are too lazy to read the paragraph above, you’ll know that this Baaahland Awards are held to "hand out recognitions to people/objects/events that are completely overlooked!"

Man, gotta love Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V. Geheheh…

Pardon my self-monolouge, it happens a lot when I’m hungry.

Oh, that reminds me! It’s time to hand out the "Best Food From a Bakery"!

And third place goes to…. Apple Turnover from the Four Seasons Bakery!

Second goes to… Tuna Cauli Roll from Bee’s!

And the winner is…. Man, even I’m getting nervous here…. THE PORTUKING EGG TART from King’s! Congratulations!

Pardon my nervousness, happens a lot when i’m hungry.

Next up, the "Best Name in a Motion Picture"!

3rd place… "L" from Death Note!

2nd… "Gaylord Focker" in Meet The Fockers!

And 1st… "Jacob Goodknight" from See No Evil! Come collect your award, Jacob! Hm, maybe not.

My oh my, the awards are on a roll! Everyone’s looking with interest!Hey, wake up, you! Yes, you! How dare you fall asleep!?

Pardon me, that happens a lot when people read my blog.

Next up, "Best Words Ever Spoken". And 3rd place…

"To defeat the enemy, one must know oneself"

by Sun Tzu.

2nd… Oh, this is a long one…

"If you can fight, fight. If you can’t fight, defend. If you can’t defend, run. If you can’t run, surrender. If you can’t surrender, DIE!"

by Sima Yi.

Gotta love Ctrl+C… And the winner of this coveted award…

"Caucibai!"

by Shiek! GRRRRRRRRRRREAT!!!

Oh no, he cursed there. That’s not great, Shiek. Na-ah.

In fact, the value of your stocks in the Most Eligible And Terrific Bachelor, Absolutely Lovely Lovely (MEATBALL) share market just went down 20%. Sorry.

The upcoming award… "Greatest Moments of A Student’s Life"!

3rd:Exiting the kindergarten gates.

2nd:Exiting the primary school gates, and

1st:Exiting the secondary school gates.

HURRAH!!

"The most testimonials in Friendster"…

3rd place: Kwok! 2nd place: Vampie! 1st place: DaleDMC!

Congratulations! Now send me more testimonials, dammit!

Sorry, didn’t mean to yell like that. Happens when i eat too much.

Next… "Most Unfortunate Name For a Footballer"!

3rd: Lopez Ufarte, 2nd: Stefan Kuntz, and the undisputed winner: Argelico Fucks!

You deserve some claps! And a little bit of sympathy.

And so, the most redundant awards ceremony in history comes to a close.

We would like to assure you that the Baaahland Awards Ceremony will be back next year, with more things/people to award as the category gets weirder and weirder!

         "Dammit… You mean there’ll be more of these…?"

         "That Wan Cherng damn teruk one… Always write so long…."

         "..Riiiiiiiiiight…"

         "That’s it. That’s the last time i’m reading this effing blog.."

AAAAHCHOOOO!!! Hm, I’m hearing things again.

Must have been that fried tofu..

Being a full-time teacher is difficult. You put in long hours, your pupils refuse to behave, and you have fingers pointed towards you when their grades drop.

By the time you get home, you’re too tired to get anything done. You don’t earn enough, you’re bored… And there’s still the hospital pregnancy bills to pay!! Gah!!

Being a teacher is truly a thankless job: when the students succeed, it’s all their dedication and hardwork, and when they fail, it’s all (ALL) because of you.

You can’t teach, they say. You don’t attend classes, they say.

You’re too lenient. You’re too strict.

You’re too ugly, teacher, that’s why i didn’t want to see the blackboard. You’re too attractive, teacher, that’s why i couldn’t get my eyes on the blackboard.

As the venerable King of Baaahland, I can’t allow this! No, i can’t! I must act! First I’ll get my butt off my imaginary throne. Then, i’ll fiddle with my imaginary crown.

"Something… Something must be done to eliminate prejudice towards teachers," I thought.  So i made it my personal mission to do just that!

After all, who else from Baaahland is gonna do it, eh?

Today, I’ll conduct an interview with 3 teachers in the Baaahland Castle Guestroom (also imaginary).

In fact, they’ve all arrived. Readers, say HELL-O to Mr.R, Mr.K and Mrs.W!!

Mr.K: Hi everyone.
Mr.R: HELLO EBBELYBUDDY!!
Mrs.W: Selamat sejahtera, sila duduk..

Bloodbane: Thank you for coming. Please, have a seat. I hope you’ve already known the reason why i invited you all here.

Mr.K: Well there BETTER be some FOOOOOOOOOD around here!

B: Yes, we’ll get to the feast later. But first I would like us to discuss a truly important topic, which is basically what you do.

Mr.K: Eating?

B: No! We’re here to discuss about the statial degradation faced by teachers in the current society!

Mr.R: Wait! I teach Pengajian Am! This’ll be easy!
Mrs.W: Hey, I’m no slouch at current affairs, too!
Mr.R: I’m better than you!
Mrs.W: Oh yeah? Well, I have a diploma!
Mr.R: Hmmph! i have one, too!
Mrs.W: I was voted Teacher Of The Month in February!
Mr.R: And me, at March and July!
Mrs.W: I can count up to hundred!
Mr.R: ………..DAMN.

B: …..

Mr.K: Say, is this chair edible??

B: Ok, everyone, cool down and LISTEN. I want your opinions… How do you feel, being victimised by students and parents all the time?

Mr.R: It sucks, man.
Mrs.W: Yes, it sure does.
Mr.K: It makes me hungry.

B: …Anything else?

Mr.R: ….Nah…
Mrs.W: …Hm…..
Mr.K: …(Kuru kuru kuru)…

B: Okay, moving on to the next question. Why do you think your profession is generally destested and grossly unappreciated by members of the society?

Mr.R: I tell ya, they don’t know what us teachers go through. The parents always blame us for everything! You can’t teach, they say. You don’t attend classes, they say. You’re too lenient. You’re too stric..

B: Wait. Those sound familiar.

Mr.R: Of course. you wrote it, now I’m just reading them out loud. Like in my classes, I just open the textbook and read them out to students. I do this in 20 percent of my classes. The other 80 percent of the classes I do not attend.

B: What the…

Mr.R: What? You have a problem with that? Nanti I sumpah you mati.

B: ..How about you, Mrs.W? Any comments?

Mrs.W: You can say I’m a problem solver at school. For example, when there was an Upper 6 farewell party, I managed to persuade more students to come against their will, successfully leeching an extra RM 40 out of their pockets!

B: I…see..

Mrs.W: There’s another example. When Mr.K was teaching a Form 6 class, he felt that the Chinese boys at the back had problems with him. So, he dealt with it like a man. He asked me to talk to them.

Mr.K: Those damn Chinese boys!

B: Ah! Mr.K! Anything to say?

Mr.K: I hate school! there shouldn’t be girls studying in here! They should be at home and getting married, having children! What are they doing in my classes!

B: ..WHAT!?

Mr.K: And when am I getting a raise!? I wanna go Betting at Genting!

B: I give up. Now I realise why the profession is beyond help. There was a time long ago when teachers were regarded as a student’s second parents.

Mr.R: Of course! I mean, who wouldn’t want parents like us!!!?????

*Note: This interview is not a true reflection of all Malaysian teachers. I know there are some great teachers out there, and I hope you know this is fictional (though some parts are factual.)

P.S. A belated Happy Birthday to Hui Yi, who celebrates her 20th birthday today. Congrats.