Cure For Insomnia

Wow. Wow.

Petrol. Price.

Wow.

It is painful, so painful just to get our vehicles moving nowadays.

Liquids flow freely; as you fill your tank with petrol, the wallet starts to bleed, sweats drip down and tears fall like rain.

"What did I do to deserve this!!?" you cry, as you contemplate another nasi lemak meal, cause that’s the only food you can afford.

Wait! Rice pun sudah naik harga!! Oh well, there’s roti canai.

Wait! Tepung jugak dah…. Ai…. (T.T)

Everything’s rising nowadays (except salaries, bonuses, allowances and the ranking of our local universities) and, unfortunately, this trend will not alter; proving the saying "What comes up must come down" totally irrelevant in the 21st century.

But we’re not alone.

The entire world is affected by this fuel price hike, such as in Saudi Arabia, where petrol is available at RM0.32 per litre…. Uh, or at Venezuela, where it costs 16 cents….
…..
…..
…..

Okay, maybe ALMOST the entire world is suffering, but at least we get rebates!!!

Yeah!!! Hahaha!!! Nanananana, Saudi!!! Nanananana, Venez!!!

We have 625 bucks and you don’t!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

See, Malaysia is so, like, totally, like, uber-cool, dude!

Anyway, WE, and by WE i mean the world besides Saudi Arabia, Venezuela and all net exporters of petrol (except us, because we’re always exceptions. We’re, like, exceptional, dude!) will need to find a way to cure this disease.

And the only way is to….

…… Find alternatives to fossil energy!!! WE must stop using petrol as our main source of power!! Preferably, renewable energy.

This is a desperate measure; otherwise, in the future fuel will be so scarce and expensive WE’ll only be able to buy them via black markets and back alleys.

No! WE must act now! So far, WE have identified electrical and solar energy as viable alternatives. However, there are pros and cons here…

.

.

.

ENERGY SOURCE: Solar

PROS: Renewable. Don’t have to charge, free!!

CONS: Ya Tuhan, tolonglah jangan hujan….

Verdict: Meh. Cheap, easy and no hassles. But it’s totally unreliable.

If Mr. Matahari is in good mood you can drive all day long. But that’s a big IF.  4/10

.

.

.

ENERGY SOURCE: Electric

PROS: Renewable. Plus, driving an electric car, sure SHOCK one!!!

CONS: Not lasting, can’t drive long before the car runs out of power. Plus, driving an electric car, sure kena SHOCK one!!!

Verdict: Nah. Can’t travel long distance, and might cause you headaches with the constant recharging; just like our handphones.   5/10

.

.

.

So far, the alternatives presented hasn’t impressed. We need INNOVATION!! So, i’ve brainstormed a few energy sources that will blow your minds away!!!! Such as….

.

.

.

ENERGY SOURCE: Heat

How it works:  You know how thermometers detect heat and then uses the thermal energy to raise the mercury level?

We can make cars that uses heat as a source to move the car. While this works almost similarly with solar energy, in this case we don’t utilise the external energy, but INTERNAL energy.

The car will be powered by the thermal energy emitted by the PASSENGERS!!

The people inside will have to participate in heat inducing "activities" such as, er, constant shaking, gyrating, vibrating.

If the car is low in power and requires more energy; er, physical contact can be initiated; since constant touching, petting, hugging and kissing is "So, like, HOT, DUDE!!"

The more vigorous the actions, the better.

PROS: Renewable. Reliable. Cheap.

CONS: Can’t use the air conditioners, it will "neutralize" the heat energy produced.

Crystal Ball: This is where i make predictions on how the future may look like if this form of energy is used. Hm…. Ahum ahum marli marlihum….

I can see… cars with VERY smelly interiors. And SMELLY passengers. And people inside cars touching each other…. And TOUCHING each other….. And…… .. AAAAWWWWWW HELL NAW!!!

That’s, like, so disgusting, dude!!

Verdict: Hm, i feel dirty just writing down how it works.

Plus, for optimum efficiency, we need more people in the car.

Unfortunate, cause the Government won’t allow more than 4 passengers at once. So this won’t happen in Malaysia.

Oh well…  5/10

.

.

.

ENERGY SOURCE: Noise

How it works:  We all know there are many forms of energy. Light, heat, kinetic, etc.

And all these has been used as a viable energy source.

Except noise.

But it’s definitely workable.

According to the First Law of Thermodynamics: No energy can be created or destroyed.

They just change from one form to another.

So, why can’t we create a system that utilizes sound to move a car?

After all, our drivers are so "friendly" we just honk to each other in the "highly unlikely" event of a traffic jam, causing sound pollution.

This sound energy caused by honks and people shouting to each other should not be wasted, and will be absorbed by a "soundsucker" (lol, soundsucker!!! rotflmao XD).

Now, if we implement this alternative energy, we’ll have even more excuse to honk and keep the windows down for the occasional "EFF UU"! HONK!!!!! EFF UU!!!! HONK!!!!! HONK!!!!!!! EFF UU!!!

PROS: Renewable. Just honk away!!! Oh yes, less curse words on the road. Lovely!

CONS: Only useful in noisy areas. Like KL.

Crystal ball: A very noise-free Malaysia!!

And, uh, people losing their voices in their efforts to move their vehicles.

Verdict: Not bad! This idea is the most economical of all.

However, with risks including throat infections, injury to vocal chords and permanent loss of voice, also known as mudity (lol, mudity! roflcopter) this idea might never see the light of day…  7/10

.

.

.

ENERGY SOURCE: Lies. This is not a typo. LIES.

How it works: Lie detectors detect a slight change of rate in heartbeats and then causes a small needle to jolt.

That means lie detectors CAN move stuff… Basically, a vehicle with this source will have very elaborate set-ups.

A machine detects the heartbeat of the driver, amplifies it and gets the wheel rollin’!

Yup, so to move a car, you need to tell lies. To accelerate, tell bigger lies.

So, an average, married 40 year old man will start the car by saying: "I like my job", increase the speed of his car by going "I can live without TV and remote control", and accelerate like crazy with this line: "I LOVE MY WIFE!!!"

PROS: Are you kidding me?

Statistically about 10% of married people admitted to cheating to their spouses.

So we have lots of cheaters here. Lying is second nature!!!

And, heck yes, it’s renewable.

CONS: Too much. Couples won’t travel in the same car anymore, since to move their cars they have to talk shit about each other.

Crystal ball: Birth rates are reduced, and mortality rises to an all-time high.

Verdict: Oh, good in the short term, but rate of accidents will rise (usually caused by a passenger not liking what the driver said, and they start punching each other).

Not acceptable!

Plus, more politicians will be involved in fatal crashes due to inability to control their cars, their vehicles flying through the highway at light speed.

Maybe they said something like "I live to serve the RAKYAT!!!" Heh.  4/10

.

.

.

AWWW DANG…. Seems like good ‘ol petrol will be our energy source for a long time.

Better save some money then, people!

But until then, Proffesor Beelzebub shall continue his research to provide the RAKYAT with a better life.

Of course, i hope my efforts will not be too late, I’ll need to think of something before the government comes up with some nonsense plan like dual pumps or Fuel Card Plan…..

Oh wait, they’re already thinking about it?

That’s, like, so, EFF YOU, DUDE!! HONK!!!!

After the examinations were over, i promised myself i’ll create a new post before 2008 arrives.

Unfortunately, Emperor Bloodbane of Baaahland (that’s me) found it very difficult to:

1) Stop playing Football Manager 2008,

2) Stop playing Yu-Gi-Oh! GX Duel Academy,

3) Stop eating uncontrollably,

4) Wake up before noon,

5) Sleep before midnight,

6) Doing nothing between noon and midnight except playing the games mentioned in 1) and 2), and

7) Updating this blog.

That’s my seven deadly sins, alright.

After the exams were over and done with, i thought i’ll have more time to study.

More initiative to revise, more will to exercise a healthier diet, more opportunity to improve myself.

That’s because I have a feeling that i’ve been slacking my butt throughout the first semester, attending classes just for the sake of attending classes….

In classes i usually fall asleep anyway, the guys sitting next to me had to give me a slight nudge on the shoulder to wake me up.

So, yes, i admit i took things for granted. Which was why i took a personal pledge to become less lazy.

However, when I went home with my laptop (big mistake), bought a few games (bigger mistake) and started playing it (OH, BUTTOCKS!!) there was no looking back.

And here i am typing this as i contemplate another semester of false promises and empty achievements.

All my fault, of course.

But nevermind that, my university results have absolutely nothing to do with your lives, Dear Reader.

So let’s move on to a more general topic…

Christmas is coming.

Within a week a plump guy with thick and white beard will "hohoho" his way unto your house through a chimney and drop off a gift for you (only if you’ve been a nice kid this year… You were, right?)

And after that, the New Year’s Day on January the 1st.

This is the day when we release many, many shiny, shimmering stardust-like thingy into the skies where they explode with a loud "BANG!!!" or "BOOM!!!" or "SHISHOSHISHO".

Or, in short, they’re called fir*crackers.

(Note: Fir*crackers are banned and so the word firecr*ckers is censored. If i didn’t censor it the government might think i’m promoting firecrack*rs. Now, kids, do not play with f********ers, okay?)

Bah, those are my last two holidays before the new sem starts.

Hopefully i’ll find the self discipline to change myself and improve my attitude towards my studies.

Or i’ll just get home from this Cyber cafe and play some other games. Hm, that sounds better.

So, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

The place where i’m dwelling now, it ain’t too far from my house.

It’s only 40 minutes away, depending on traffic conditions… to the ire of those from East Malaysia.

Due to this, i have become an unofficial member of the non-existent PBSM (Persatuan Balik Setiap Minggu) … But not this week!!

That’s because I have a grand total of 4 testicl…. I mean, 4 tests coming up next week!! Four, BABY!!

Satu, dua, tiga, EMPAT. No matter how many times i count it, it’s still the same painful number.

Sometimes i wonder exactly why the university makes us undergraduates go through this.

Tests are good. Of course it is.

A test is a measure of how well a student memorizes facts word by word…

No, allow me to rephrase that. A test is a measurement of how well a student understands a particular subject.

Man, that sounds silly, doesn’t it? Never makes sense.

I have a friend (Yes, I HAVE a friend) who’s doing Biochem (By doing Biochem i mean he’s studying Biochem. Don’t get any dirty ideas!!).

He is probably the busiest student in the whole of UM (Medic and Dentistry students excluded).

After all, Biochemers have to live through many many science practicals in the lab, it’s almost scary.

But it recently arrived to a new level of insanity… Here’s how it went…

Him: Knock, knock.

Me: (opens door) Yo.

Him: Hey.

Me: Tired?

Him: Have to read.

Me: Why?

Him: Got test.

Me: What test?

Him: Chemistry.

Me: Ya meh?

Him: Ya.

Me: Tomorrow?

Him: Tomorrow.

Me: Oh.

Him: (comes in, lies on my bed)

Me: Aiyoh… Why everytime got test ah? Can die,man, like that!

Him: Ya loh…

Me: ….

Him: ….

Me: ….

Him: ….

Me: ….

(This is supposed to be a prolonged, awkward silence. No, we’re not touching each other.)

Him: This test… is only for two point five percent.

Me: Uh?

Him: Ya…

Me: Ya what?

Him: Ya lah…

Me: What what WHAT WHAT? WHAT YA?

Him: This test only 2.5 percent…

Me: Walauweh!! Xiao lah they all!!

This is a true story. Unfortunately this happens to many many students, and not just Biochem students, but also all Science students.

Like me (and most of you, i’m sure.)

Bah, sometimes i don’t know why i’m doing this. ( Science, not blogging).

Once we’re out from university, will we get high paying jobs?

Will we get recognition? Or superhuman powers?

Unfortunately, the answer is no.

We won’t get high paying jobs.

We won’t be recognized unless we win a Noble Prize or find a new life-threatening virus.

When we DO find a deadly virus, they name the disease after us.

Yay!!!

But, at the end of the day, we Science mofos are always ahead in one aspect: The desire to discover.

And that makes us special (I’m not saying non-science students aren’t special. We all are, in a way)

So, good luck to my Biochem friend, because today he’s got a five percent test.

Hope he gets full marks. Wouldn’t help much, though…

(On hindsight, i can’t believe I can coexist with Biochem students.

They stole from me, the course which i love and they’re complaining about how much they dislike it. Gah…)

And.. as a final note, if you’re having a test or exam, good luck…

Wish me luck for my testi… tests too. I hope I’ll stay alive!!

I’m smiling now. No, you can’t see it, but I AM smiling now!

It’s a beautiful, ear-to-ear smirk. I’m smiling so widely, my eyes are completely shut.. (Not much difference then, is there?)

But why? Why am I so happy?

Because……

……

……

It’s the 31st of August!! Yahoo!!

It’s an auspicious day indeed!! It’s the 31st!!!

Finally!!!

31 percent off every handpacked Baskin Robbins ice cream!!

OOOOOH YEAAAAHH!!

And, er, coincidentally, it’s also our 50th anniversary of independence.

Anyway, before we continue with this post, we must hold a minute of silence due to the passing of Common Sense.

Yes my friends, LOGIC has now been rendered kaput due to the fact that Malaysia actually won a football match!!! Unbelievable!

Of course, weirder things have happened…

Such as:

Fact One: You can’t buy newpapers from UM WITHOUT having to walk two kilometres from your abode.

Fact Two: The Internet connection in UM is pretty….. er….. not so good (gotta be careful with my words)

Fact One + Fact Two: I’ve thus, become a frog under a coconut shell (a huge one) and the self-proclaimed General Knowledge King is no more.

Life without newspaper sucks!! Absolutely.

I mean, i don’t think i can cope.

Life without girls? Fine.

Life without games? Okay.

But no surat khabar? How can like that? Aiyoyo….!!

Nowadays, when people say "apa khabar?" i’ll reply "Tak tau, sini no newspaper lah, brother.."

But I must cope!!! This is a battle i must win!!

And all i ask of you, dear reader, is to give me moral support because i don’t know if i can carry on…!!!

Bah, F the newspaper. As if i’ll have time to read it.

Ever since i came here, my Busy-o-meter has never gone below the "Damn Busy" level.

Worse, one of my roommate got chickenpoxed, and i haven’t got it.

So I’m spending every waking moment staring at my forearms hoping that no red dots appear.

If like that then where got time read paper???

As such, the world seems to have gone on without me..

I am left behind in a debris, typing this down and licking my B&R ice cream….

Gah, can life get any worse??

….

….

P.S. The whole thing above should not be taken seriously (nothing in my blog should be) ..

I am grateful that i have food to eat, a place to sleep in and a university to accept my big mouth…

And don’t worry, i do value our 50th anniversary of independence above Baskin Robbins.

Merdeka!

I hope we all appreciate what we already have, instead of craving for something which is out of reach.

Hiya everybody. Miss me?

I noticed a few messages and comments directed to me which i could not reciprocrate on time, and for that i must apologize. 

It must be stressed, though, that this is the first time i’ve gone online in a long time (or at least it FEELS very long) but thanks very much for the comments and messages..

….

….

….

….

….

DAMN, WHY SO FORMAL!!!???

I prefer to explain it my way (unabashed, tongue-in-cheek, irreverrent).

You see, ever since i checked myself into university, my time management skills has proven to be as useful as an ingrown toenail.

I have to rush through everything, such as eating, drinking, bathing, and even reading!! (I know, i can’t believe i’m reading either. But history suggests this habit won’t last.)

You want to eat? Chew less per mouthful. You want to drink? Make sure you hold the glass uptight so that the drink falls into your mouth (we have no time to let it flow slowly downwards)..

You want to pass motion? Wipe your butt, but please be quick! No double-swipes!! That uses up 2 extra seconds!!!

Taking bath, huh? Well you better hope that the soap is washed off your body during the first douse of water!!

You want to sleep? Gah!!! You have NO time to sleep!!! Now get up and take your bath!!!

It’s bad, really. Not only are there lectures all the time, we also have to contend with a whole lot of cocurriculum activities.

So many things to do, so little time to do it. But somehow, i’m really getting used to this frantic, fast-paced lifestyle.

It ain’t all that bad. This place is kinda good, there are many facilities and everyone seems to have a sense of humour (probably to keep themselves sane.)

Unfortunately, this hectic life means that i can’t get online as often as i used to.

Oh well, i’m sure most of you are busy too, so good night and good luck!

P.S. I AM still alive.

Have you ever felt-at any given time-that the things you’re saying or doing seem eeriely similar to another event in the past?

In that moment, you will be overcome by a sense of familiarity, and most likely you’ll say "I’ve done this before in my dreams!"

If this has happened to you, then you can proudly say you’ve been deja vued.

And, in case you’re wondering (or even if you aren’t, i’m telling anyway) I too have experienced/suffered the occasional bouts of deja vu.

It is eerie, it is freaky, yet so endearingly familiar. The sensation caused by DV is unexplainable.

So i sent smses to most names in my handphone, asking them if they’ve ever had deja vu before.

Yes, i’m aware you may ask why i did it. There are few reasons.

Firstly, i AM the Emperor, thus i want my people to know that i care for them.

Secondly (and most importantly), Maxis gave me free bonus smses and they were about to expire (or some stupid nonsense, you know Maxis).

Back to the Unofficial Survey of Baaahland, the results will surely blow you away!

Out of the 15 people i surveyed, as many as 12 responded with a resounding "Yes!"

Using my trusty calculator (I forgot basic calculations ever since STPM was over and done with), that’s 4 out of 5 people!

And amongst this 12 people, 6 of them mentioned that they experience deja vu "many times", and that’s… TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP… 1 out of 2! Yikes!

So deja vu is actually a lot more common than i previously thought.

Out of curiosity and the lack of anything worthwhile to do, i went to consult 3 professionals to find out more about DV.

Warning: From this point onwards, this post becomes tedious to read. OK, i know the part before this is also tedious, but this one is worse! Try to stay awake! If you can…

Dr. Yahoo said that deja vu has been around since days of old, as proven by the fact that Charles Dickens made a reference to it.

In those days, there were no words for this feeling/experience, and only in the late 19th century did the term ‘deja vu’ was used.

It is French for "already seen" and was coined by a French professor, presumably out of curiosity and the lack of anything worthwhile to do.

According to Mr. Google, deja vu is a very common phenomenon. If that Denzel movie is to be believed, as much as 4.5 Billion living people have experienced it.

4,500,000,000 people!

To put matters into perspective: if each deja vu ‘victim’ gave you 10 US Dollars; you’ll be the second richest person in the world (curse that Microsoft dude!!)

Madam Wikipedia also contributed a lot of information, but due to my ever-deteriorating scientific nous (STPM. Over. And done with..), i was left unable to understand an inkling of her explanations.

A bit like an average day at school, then. As she waxes lyrical and bombards weird science jargons into my cerebrum, i managed to capture some words that made sense to moi.

Mdm. Wiki explained that our brain does a bit of filtering when we sleep. The dreams that are considered too ‘routine’ ("Nyah, boring! Not worth remembering") will be sent to the long-term sections of the brain, completely bypassing the short section.

However, the dreams which are ‘unusual’ and ‘weird’ will be placed in the short term section ("Booya! This is good! We don’t see this everyday! Remember this one!").

This makes sense, since most of our deja vu moments usually involves very ordinary events in our lives.

On the other hand, most dreams that we can recall vividly are the nightmares.

So, the next time you woke up in the middle of the night because you were chased by ghosts, getting butchered by Leatherface, run over by gigantic eyeballs (Oh, the horror!) or having your ears chewed by Mike Tyson; blame your brain. It chose to remember..

And just before i left the discussion, Madam Wikipedia added this nugget as a parting shot: "A clinical correlation has been found between the experience of déjà vu and disorders such as schizophrenia and anxiety, and the likelihood of the experience considerably increases with subjects having these conditions."

Translated into English, that means the more deja vu you’ve experienced, the more cuckoo you are. Yikes!

And i used to be so proud that i have ‘premonitions of the future’….

T.T

Videogames are a booming industry: Games like Metal Gear Solid, Final Fantasy 7, Starcraft, Pro Evo Soccer 2 and The Sims can be considered legendary games and are WAAAAAY more memorable than movies like Shawshank’s Redemption and that bloody Titanic.

Near, far, wherever you are, you can’t escape videogames. The good (Panzer Dragoon Orta), the bad (Melty Blood) or the ugly (Mortal Kombat Advance) will always appear in your lives, in one way or another.

But there are many games that are neither good, bad or ugly. It’s on a class of it’s own… The most sickening games ever.

Not sickening as the "Cannon-protruding-out-of-multilated-face" in The Thing or the hanged skinless body in Silent Hill, i’m talking about more naughty stuff… a bit more perverted.

Yes, PERVERTED.

Warning: If you are below 18 years of age, then you should stop reading here.
Or here.

Or maybe you couldn’t be bothered with my warning and went ahead to read anyway. Hey, these ‘warnings’ never stopped you from browsing adult websites…

With no further ado..

Cho Aniki
Playstation
This is a side scrolling third person shooter ala Gladius, but instead of controlling Heaven’s Gunpowder, you control…. Hm, what is this….

A guy wearing a tight suit who shoots lasers out of his hat. Which isn’t naughty. Yet.

You see, your character floats through the air and is helped by two nude men, as you shoot lasers towards other nude men who are presumably trying to hurt you.

Some are rocket-powered, metallic, but nevertheless they’re always nude.

In fact, one of the bosses in this game wears only a metallic loin thingy, and once you, er, shoot him a lot of times, his metallic loin thingy will open and another nude man will come out  (insert lame "little brother" jokes here) to put some hurt on ya!

Summarily, your enemies in this game are nude men, bigger nude men and gigantic nude men who wield small nude men like baseball bats.

Naughty enough?

Beat’em & Eat’em
Atari 2600

This is actually a pretty basic game: you control two nude women as they run back and forth across the screen trying to collect… Oh i can’t even type this.

At the top of the screen there is a man.

The man also moves across the screen and in random intervals, he will release a whitish looking liquid to the ground and the women are supposed to "catch" them.

Unless you’ve a single digit IQ, you’d know what the white liquid is (let’s call it ink from now on).

In later levels, the ink falls at such phenomenal rate, it is basically raining all over as the man squirts every last juic… er, ink out of it’s…. body?

Yes, i think that’s the appropriate word. Luckily, the graphics of Atari 2600 is absolutely crap, so you can’t really see everything; and therefore it’s all down to your own imagination.

…. Which actually freaks me even more.

Alas, the above two games can only bow in the presence of our undisputed winner/loser…

Boong-Ga Boong-Ga a.k.a Smack ‘em!
Arcade

With a name like that, you aren’t expecting a game of the year candidate, are you?

This is an arcade game which is, thankfully, only available in Japan.

First, you select a character. It could be ‘ex-boyfriend’, ‘ex-girlfriend’, ‘child molester’(!), ‘mother-in-law’…

After selecting one of them, the person’s face will be shown on the screen.

After all that is done, it’s time for the real action!

The objective of Boong-Ga Boong-Ga is….
….
….
to stick a plastic finger up a plastic arsehole as hard as you can!

Yes, you’re supposed to anally invade a plastic butt; and as you perform your deed, one will be able to see the facial expression of your victim, presumably your ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend/child molester/mother-in-law/gangster…

After the sticking action (remember to take that finger off!), a card will pop out of the machine (i hope it isn’t from the butt) and on it will be written your sexual behaviour.

Obviously, you shouldn’t expect compliments. After all, what would YOU say to a person who had just sexually assaulted a toy ass?

….

….Therein my work for today is completed. Dang, just typing this post makes me want to clean my soul using Dettol.

Luckily, both Cho Aniki and Beat’em are already out of production so nobody would have to suffer the wackiness of both games.

Unfortunately, Boong-Ga Boong-Ga is apparently still available, albeit only in Japan.

So, you know, if YOU actually HAVE the urge to play this game, and you think this game is your idea of being aroused… i advise you to get a plane ticket ASAP and go there.

And please don’t come back.

P.S. So, any naughty games i’ve left behind? Don’t hestitate to leave a comment and tell King Bloodbane the naughtiest games you’ve ever played.

I came into this sudden realisation that we are all a very lucky bunch of people. We have food to eat, a place to call home and all other basic neccesities like education. For that, we all owe a debt of gratitude to our parents.

Now, spare a thought for the less lucky people. Whom are all born after 2000. If you are born anytime between 2001-2007, stop reading this and start thinking of a way to escape this country.

Why the rush? You see…

As if our current education system isn’t bad enough already, the Zany Ideas Departmen… Excuse me, i mean the Malaysian Examinations Syndicate (MES) are thinking of ways to, ahem, mess it up even more.

They are doing their job well: their recent proposal involves the abolishment of PMR and SPM, replacing both exams with something called "standardised assessment".

This "standardised assessment" will consist of five: 1) School assessment, 2) Central assessment, 3) Psychometric tests (what the hell is this?), 4) Forgot and 5) Can’t bother to remember.

All these sound a bit overwhelming, don’t they?

Especially the first one… How does school evaluate us?

Maybe the canteen fella will observe students and ‘potong markah’ everytime a student ‘potong barisan’? Or the cleaner minus our marks if we didn’t flush, wash hands, etc.

No, Readers, no! The truth is a lot worse: students will be assessed by teachers! Yes, teachers will be given the power to evaluate you.

To give you marks… or goose eggs.

This would’ve been acceptable if not for the fact that most teachers come across as power-hungry people. "You want marks? Lick my boots."

The MES also neglected a common problem: Most teachers are always not around, most likely because they " sedang menghadiri mesyuarat", "MC" and the ultimate favourite…"Busy attending KURRSUSS."

Let’s face it: How can you be assessed by people who are not there?

In a perfect world, this proposal would be torn apart, shredded to pieces, burned and any remaining ashes burned again (just to be sure.)

But this is Malaysia, so it’s just a matter of time before it is approved. Dang.

At least, if the proposal is REALLY given the green light, it will only be inforced in 2012 (UPSR) and 2015 (PMR) respectively.

By then, you’ll already be aboard a plane to somewhere far, far away.

…

All of you should have got used to lame jokes already, having viewed my blog so many times.

Still, you must be shocked to hear what two of our MPs said during a parliamentary debate, as they thought that it’ll be funny to point out that women "leaks once a month."

Unfortunately, the only ones who laughed at that ‘joke’ were other Barisan Nasional members.

My, doesn’t the ruling party have a weird sense of humour? Mocking the female reproductive system, the very reason they exist, the same ones women al around the world go/went through.

In a perfect world, MPs who make this statement would most likely be facing unemployment or banishment to Antartika.

But this is Malaysia….

Bloodbane had a moment of madness a few weeks ago which prompted him to use the middle finger to express his anger.

Then it occured to Bloodbane that the last time he used the middle finger was many many years before.

He didn’t really know why he’d stopped doing it. Partly, it might be because the gesture have run out of fashion.. Remember years ago when young kids would fan the butts of their classmates while yelling "satay"..? Or when they hit their friend’s genitals and then say "touch and go"?

No, that wasn’t the answer, Bloodbane thought… Then, Bloodbane remembered a certain incident when he was Form 1 or something.

Gah, he was twelve, studying in a public school.

Students really loved the mid finger salute. Bloodbane was probably the one who’s most into this trend, flipping his middles so often he wished he was born without the other four fingers, thinking it’ll make things easier.

He devised a way to write using just the mids, carried things with his mids, etc. IT’S THE ONLY JARI THAT MATTERED, he thought.

The only other thing Bloodbane likes more than his mids was a girl from his class. Actually, no, he still liked his mids more, but only just.

In contrary to popular belief, Bloodbane got along well with this girl. So, Bloodbane has his mids and he’s on good terms with the girl he liked.

At that time, he thought, "Life is f*ckin’ good."

Correction: Life WAS f*ckin’ good, notice the past tense; because all good things in Bloodbane’s life are like government buildings: they’ll all come crashing down.

In those days, Bloodbane’s transport of choice when he goes home from school were his two legs (If he could walk with his mids, he would; but gravity’s a b*tch).

He was in foul mood that day, all he wanted was to go home and quick.

But as sod’s law has it, just as he’s prepared to cross a busy road, he heard his name being called from somewhere.

So Bloodbane did the only thing he knows best: the mid finger as he looks at the bus full of students passing by.

Yes, you all know who’s in it. Who else.

There Bloodbane was, standing by the side of the road with his middle finger erect at it’s full glory as the girl of his dreams zooms by, her face transforming from a look of joy into confusion into anger.

Bloodbane was shocked as heck, standing still as the bus disappeares into the horizon.

His mid was still pointing skywards as Bloodbane ponders what the hell he’s just done. Reaching new highs in stupidity, that’s what.

The thing was, Bloodbane did the midfing even BEFORE he knew who called him. It was instinctive, and only when he looked up did he realise…

The next day at school, he apologised to the girl "I’m sorry for what i’ve done yesterday"… But knowing Bloodbane at that time, it was probably more like "I’m f*ckin’ sorry for what i’ve f*ckin’ done that f*ckin’ day".. It doesn’t actually matter.

Since then she avoids Bloodbane like a plague. Can’t really blame her, though.

This incident was the killer: in the end, the one thing Bloodbane liked alienated the one person he liked.

Therefore, he’s learned his lesson: for many years he’s stopped using the gesture, a reminder to himself for doing the unthinkable.

And the moral of this story is… Er… Ah… Hm…. Wait! This is Bloodbane’s blog! There’s no moral in here…

I’ve just noticed how general the verb "kiss" is. Everyone knows what it means but in essence it’s never specific enough.

For example, a very light kiss on the cheeks is called a peck and a more, ahem, aggresive kiss would be called a smooch.

For the ones where a couple exchange dental records, the term "lip-locking" or "makin’ out" can be used.

And these words caught me in a dilemma, because none can accurately describe what Richard Gere was doing.

If you can find a word which means "bending the receiving partner over like she’s an invertebrate and kissing her cheeks until you have her DNA all over your mouth", do leave a comment at the bottom of this post.

Til then, i’ll refer to this kiss as "the Richard Gere".
During this AIDS awareness campaign which is hosted by Bollywood’s Shilpa Shetty, ol’ filthy Rich proceeds to let his common sense go AWOL as he leaves his mark on (the clearly surprised) hostess.

In front of hundreds in the audience. And a video camera. Which was on.
So where does the video end up? Like, DUH, where else?

Youtube, Metacafe, Ifilm…

But being a fan of Rich, (more like a sympathiser, actually) i’ll try to justify his actions.

Hey, maybe he’s auditioning for his next film role: a Dracula?
Or maybe it was all planned beforehand like the Janet Jackson fiasco. Then Rich can say: "It was a hormone malfunction."

Damn right it was, man. Damn right.

Now we’re back in Malaysia. You have to love me, i always save the best for last.
You see, many people made complains to the Malaysian Board of Censorship because they were angry that kissing scenes in films were cut. (My, aren’t Malaysians a horny bunch?)

And the response…
     "Kissing scenes are cut because kissing is not part of Malaysian culture."

Not part of our culture?

So, you mean films are an accurate reflection of a nation’s cultural identity?

Baaah. As i have a lot of time to muck about nowadays, i decide to find our country’s BUDAYA.

After a painstaking research, my report is complete!
Here’s my findings. In most Malaysian movies, :

1) We always get an eyeful (or at least a glimpse) of the Two Towers. No, dammit, not the LOTR one! I mean the Petronas Twin Tower and KL Tower. Go ahead, tell me a movie which didn’t have a view of those two. …. And no, P. Ramlee movies don’t count!

2) A whole lot of Protons on the road.
Proton: A car with the durability and toughness of an average Jacob’s biscuit tin.

3) Boring, one dimensional characters.

4) Lame acting.

5) Laughable storylines.

6) People eating nasi lemak (directly translated to English as "Fat Rice"), roti canai (translated as "Beaten-up Bread") with teh tarik ("Pull Tea"), etc etc.

Therefore, according to Mr. Board of Censorship (sorry, didn’t catch his name), an average cultured Malaysian would be boring, one dimensional, wooden, leads laughable lives, drives a Proton and eats high carb food, while somehow looking at the Two Towers.

Gah! I’m none of these! (except maybe the boring, Proton and high carb part)

Gasp!

CULTURE SHOCK!

So congrats, Mr. Board of Censorship, you’ve just screwed Visit Malaysia 2007. Nah, don’t take this so badly… We still have Visit Malaysia 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011…